Ghost Management boss Brad Raven says Halloween clients always want “maximum terror”, but nobody ever talks about the cost of tea breaks, smoke-machine recovery time, or keeping a Victorian child ghost supplied with Fruit Pastilles.
Right. So I’ve spent most of this week pricing up a Halloween job for one of these “immersive horror experience” places.
You know the sort. Dim lighting. Fake blood on the walls. Someone dressed as a nun crab-walking out of a toilet cubicle while a university student screams loud enough to set off car alarms in Gateshead.
Anyway, they wanted “an authentic paranormal atmosphere with added scare factor.”
Added scare factor.
That’s the phrase they used.
Which is always funny to me because people say that like we’ve got a warehouse full of spare demons next to the printer paper.
“Can you add more terror?”
Yeah probably, Sharon, but it’s not Argos. I need notice.
So I sat down with the client and explained the available packages.
Basic package:
Cold spots. Occasional whispering. One shadow figure near the fire exit. Standard stuff.
Silver package:
Includes unexplained footsteps, moving chairs, and one emotionally exhausted Victorian woman staring through windows.
Gold package:
Full corridor sprinting, screaming in the attic, aggressive flickering lights, and Gary.
Now Gary is expensive.
Mainly because Gary refuses to work weekends unless there’s hot food involved.
I told them straight:
“If you want premium haunting, refreshments need costing in.”
People forget ghosts are still technically staff.
You can’t have twelve spirits rattling chains for six hours straight without looking after morale.
Last year one venue tried to skip the tea urn and we had two poltergeists walk out mid-possession.
Absolute nightmare.
The client did ask whether the ghosts needed legally mandated breaks.
I said:
“Well technically no, because they’re deceased, but after the incident at York Maze we introduced wellbeing guidelines.”
Not making that mistake again.
We’ve also had to factor in smoke-machine recovery time because Derek from the 1880s keeps wandering directly into the fog and getting disoriented.
Spent forty minutes last October accidentally haunting the disabled toilet.
Operational disaster.
Still… despite the costs, it looks like they’re hiring us, so that’s good.
Big contract if it comes off.
Might finally be able to replace the office kettle that screams every time it boils.
Honestly not ideal in this industry because nobody can tell whether it’s broken or just Margaret from Accounts appearing again.